


Kakuzu and Hidan being Australian Dickheads AU

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [6]
Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: i gotta fucking tag this shit dont i, terrible, these are like little fic bits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-02-28 05:13:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Short ficlets in this terrible series which are not long enough to be chapters.





	1. Hidan and his stupid fucking housemates ruin Kakuzu’s start to the New Year again

Kakuzu had never celebrated new years, never bothered to, never wanted to. The only thing it signified was people considered it fresh starts. He knew Hidan hated new years because it meant there was more people at the gym. For the past three years, Hidan and sometimes Deidara and Sasori would turn up to wish him a happy new year, though it was more of an excuse to see Kakuzu’s pissed off face at 11:59pm before the neighbourhood erupted in fireworks. 

Tonight he changed the locks to his house, so that they wouldn’t get in. Now that they had moved to the other side of Canberra, Kakuzu hoped they would not be bothered to come around, as Kakuzu had both his vehicles locked in his shed, so Hidan couldn’t scab them to drive around in even though he used one for work. He wasn’t the sort to lay traps either, so secretly changing his locks would do the trick. 

At 11:30pm, Kakuzu woke up to the smell of smoke, strong enough for it to be somewhere around the house. He noticed Taki was not in his corner of the summer quilt, so put on his red dressing gown and went downstairs to out the back, where he could hear talking and laughter. 

At first he stupidly thought someone had broken in, but it wouldn’t possibly be Hidan, Deidara and Sasori because they don’t have the key to get through his house to the courtyard. 

He opened the back door. 

Somehow, the three idiots who  _ live  _ on the other side of town, who  _ don’t  _ have access to a car, who  _ don’t  _ have seven sets of keys to these locks, had managed to get into his courtyard. 

 

Oh, and they were also setting things on fire in a metal bin that Kakuzu had never seen before.

 

Kakuzu kicked the flyscreen door open with a screen, and Taki came to greet him excitedly. “How did you manage to get in here? I changed my locks.” Kakuzu sniffed the air and all he could smell was marijuana and smoke. Hidan and his stupid fucking housemates were wearing a party hat each. (Deidara had his ponytail coming out the top with a small tuft). 

“Heeeeeeeeeeee _ eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyy _ ,” Hidan cheered, coming up to Kakuzu with a skull of Crystal Vodka. “Merry fucking christmas-” 

“New year.” 

Kakuzu cringed a little as Hidan, as drunk as he rarely was, stuck his tongue out and licked Kakuzu’s entire face from chin to top of forehead. “Please don’t ever do that again.” 

“Hey! You get to live in my slobber until next year, heh heh. And we fucking went over the fence cause you changed your motherfucking locks, cuntbag.” 

“I should have changed them a long time ago.” 

“Kakucunt. You know that will never ever stop me from coming into your house,” Hidan grinned stupidly at him, slurring his words. Kakuzu could see the faint scar of his neck where he had stitched him up after chopping his head off three days previously. Hidan reached from his seat and Kakuzu’s eyes followed as he grabbed a small canvas and threw it into the fire. 

“What is that?” 

“They’re home decor art, yeah,” Deidara said, blowing the smell of pot in Kakuzu’s face from a durry he had rolled. He put the cigarette back in his mouth. “You know those shitty paintings you see at restaurants on the wall?”

“Do I look like someone who goes to restaurants?” 

“...Yes.” said the three of them at the same time. 

“We ordered Subway once, that’s a restaurant,” Hidan said. “Eat fresh, my ass.” 

“Shut the fuck up, Hidan, yeah? Kakuzu, you know, the paintings with the rainbow’y sky done with palette knives, with the poppies and the buddha? Or the modern abstracts with the swirl and the gold paint? You buy those works for cheap, they are embellished prints and sold at ridiculously cheap prices and you can buy hundreds of them at those and you know what? It isn’t art.” 

“...I have no idea what you are going on about.” 

“It’s shit.” Sasori said. “You can’t invest in them.” 

“It’s shit-art.  _ Shittart _ .” said Hidan. “I don’t know shit about art, but we borrowed these from several nice places down the CBD.” 

Kakuzu knew Hidan’s term for ‘borrowed’ usually meant steal, which was something him and Deidara did on a daily basis, with Sasori as the lookout. Deidara handed the smoke over to Sasori, and then Hidan jumped up as fast as he could, almost knocking Kakuzu into the fire. 

“Thirty seconds till midnight, shit!” 

Kakuzu could hear loud chatter and cheering from the neighbourhood parties now, as the next year got closer. Sasori flicked the stub into the fire. Kakuzu was the only one in the entire neighbourhood that wasn’t either pissed, stoned, or excited that there was another year coming in less than minute. Deidara and Hidan had disappeared in the last ten seconds. 

“TEN… NINE… EIGHT… SEVEN… SIX… FIVE… FOUR… THREE… TWO…” 

Deidara and Hidan appeared again, with brightly coloured metal tubes, and Kakuzu realised between 11:59:59pm and 12:00:00am that they were fireworks, and they were going to drop them in the fire. 

He had no time to react when there was an explosion that brought Kakuzu off his feet and knocked him into the wall of his townhouse. His ears burned with the sounds of several seconds of fireworks going off in front of him and he heard Hidan’s shriek which was louder than the fireworks itself. When the sparks stopped coming out the bin and returned to being a fire, Hidan was on the floor next to Kakuzu with, unsurprisingly, blood all over him as usual. 

“Oh look,” said Sasori, with no emotion in his face at all. “He’s just like Deidara.” 

“FUCK!” Hidan shrieked at the stump of his left hand, which was somewhere on the courtyard floor. “That’s my fucking wanking hand! Deidara, you fucking CUNT.” 

Kakuzu looked around, and spotted it several metres away, twitching slightly. He ignored Hidan’s fucking screeching and got up, feeling a bit battered from the sparks and fire. He picked up the hand, fingernails painted black, the radius and ulna snapped off clean and sinew leaking out of the wrist and onto Kakuzu. 

Kakuzu pressed the fingers down except for the middle finger, and presented it in Hidan’s face. “You look like you need help. Do you need a hand?” 


	2. Jingle Bells Kakuzu Smells

**** Kakuzu was minding his own business at home when he heard a clatter and a crash coming from his shed. Thinking he had another burglar and not expecting the unexpected, he was almost surprised to see the familiar thirteen black cats all dart out at once and heard a ‘FUCKKKKKKKKKK’ inside. 

Nearly tripping over the cats which bounced up to Kakuzu and now had their tails up in the air curling themselves around his legs, he ignored the ants on the pavers and followed his ever obedient doggo to the sheddo. 

“How long have you been in my shed?” 

Hidan perked up, dragging Kakuzu’s big christmas tree out the shed. He shook it and several huntsman spiders fell out, along with most of the little strips of green plastic which acted a leaves for the extremely old tree. 

Taki barked. 

“Five hours,” said Hidan, tapping his fitbit to check the time. “Needed to prove to Stupid Fucking Housemates that you have a christmas tree - twenty bucks to me, woo hoo - It’s the season to be fucking jolly, you know.” 

“No,” said Kakuzu. “It’s not.” 

Kakuzu couldn’t quite fathom why Hidan would spend five hours in his shed when it was a 35.5°C outside, and probably 60°C in said shed. “So Stupid Fucking Housemate says you are the grumpiest git to ever walk the planet after you didn’t help him the other day sort his finances out, and he says you probably don’t even celebrate christmas. Which to be honest I do believe that, except for the bit where you are the grumpiest git on the planet because I think you are the second grumpiest git on the planet after Other Stupid Fucking Housemate…” 

In Kakuzu’s mind all he could hear was  _ blah, blah blah.  _

“And I said you had a christmas tree.” 

Kakuzu looked at the tree. “It’s over twenty years old, I had to put it up  _ once _ .” 

“Why do you still have it? Fucking sell it on gumtree for ten bucks, make a profit.” 

The reason why Kakuzu had put it up once was because he used to live where every window had the christmas tree and if one didn’t then the mothers would be spreading stupid rumours about him. 

Hidan was now starting to sing. “Jingle Bells, Kakuzu’s balls smells…” 

Now Kakuzu was wondering why was Hidan in the mood to be celebrating a holiday which stemmed its roots in Christianity then changed to a holiday drenched in capitalism and wasting money. 

“I bet you have to wear a nut-bra.” 

Kakuzu stopped thinking about Hidan’s obsession with christmas. “A what?” 

“Bra for your nuts. Should I get you one for christmas?” 

Kakuzu decided to humour him. “...Don’t think I need it.” 

Hidan moved the tree so it was under the verandah of Kakuzu’s courtyard. “I was in fact going to go and get a heart in a jar and put it on the tree as a decoration… but nah. Had to check the shed twice, or you’ve just been naughty or nice…” He left a trial of green plastic where he dragged it. “You’ve still got old christmas lights on here.” 

“I told you, the tree is over twenty years old. Don’t plug it in.” 

“Hey,” said Hidan, reaching down and grabbing the plugs down the bottom of the tree, “I gotta see if it works or not.” 

“Some of those old lights might spark and set fire.” 

“Kazza-cunt,” said Hidan. “I’m motherfucking immortal. A little firework ain’t gonna stop me from having a good time.” He switched the power point on, and as Kakuzu predicted, there was a zap, a large spark and the tree flickered, and Hidan suddenly yelled out as the sparks hit him in the groin. 

Kakuzu went onto his knees and turned the power point off. Hidan was on the floor, whimpering. 

“Sure you don’t want that nut-bra?”

 

\- The mother fucking end -


	3. Sasori blackmails Sai because Sai gets Inojin to create artwork instead of him for the shop

Sasori, as usual, was the first to go into the coffee shop after a long night of removing delicate organs from a recently deceased ugly looking cat. He looked distastefully at the art on the walls - splashes of colour pen and ink dragons on hand made papyrus. 

“What do you think?” 

Snapping out of his gaze, Sasori’s eyes met Sai, who was the barista of Yamanaka Flowers. He got out the glass of water which Sasori only ever ordered (Ever since Sai used cow’s milk instead of almond milk in his Ristretto, Sasori refrained from wishing to turn Sai into a puppet and ordered water from then on), out waiting for him to take. 

“It must have taken you thirty seconds to do all of these,” said Sasori dully. “True art is the work of someone who takes a long time to create their art.” 

Sai’s stupid smile came back, which pretty much meant he had no idea what the fuck Sasori just said. Sasori looked at the price tags - something him and Deidara always did when they went to gallery shows - and he was asking for $500 a piece. He sat down in the corner surrounded by lilies and daffodils, and got out the newest edition of  _ New Idea _ , which Ino had put down before she rushed off to work. 

Sasori had a very strange way of reading. He didn’t seem to read left to right and take in pictures like other people did. He simply just stared at the page, drinking it all in from different angles. His phone pinged, and his eyes flickered to the screen. 5 Facebook messages from Deidara, and 2 from Hidan. 

 

_ Oi stupid fucking housemate burnt the unit down  _

_ Cause hes a cunt  _

 

_ Sasori fuck  _

_ I didnt mean to sorry  _

_ The kiln exploded and i got my fireworks out in time but the backyards gone and most of the house yeah  _

_ Your possessions are still like kinda there idk  _

_ COME HOME SASORI PLEASE WE NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU YEAH  _

 

“Do you want another water, sir?” 

Sai and Ino’s young son, Inojin, who must have only be in Kindergarten, had taken a large bottle of freezing water over to Sasori’s little corner. Inojin was dressed in little purple overalls, and had coloured paint stained to his fingers. 

Sasori took the water without saying thank you, and refilled his water right up to the top, where it spilled over slightly. Inojin couldn’t quite figure out why Sasori had done that, but it was because Sasori was fucking weird. At the back of the magazine was a  _ Real Life!  _ Section page. Each person to write a real story about something that has happened to them. These included segments such as  _ I fucked Santa Claus!  _ And  _ My Life as an Otherkin: I’m actually a dingo.  _

However in the small section of this page, someone had circled something in sharpie, and he looked carefully. It was an image of Sai and Ino in the magazine, with the title  _ My artworks makes more money than my actual job!  _

_ In some art careers that is true,  _ Sasori thought, and decided to actually read the article instead of drinking in the information on the page. Inojin appeared with a napkin which Sai gave him to clean up the water mess on the coffee table. In the article were the same paintings that were on the wall, and most of them had red dots on them, marking them as sold. 

But Sasori could feel something was wrong. Impatience bubbled up in him, as something was not quite right. He had been coming to Yamanaka Flowers for years, as it was on the way home from the art studios. Sai only ever drew in black indian ink, using calligraphy brushes to create Japanese inspired creations of tigers and dragons which were influenced by his heritage. Sasori looked down at Inojin’s little fingers, paint stained with bright children’s paints such as lemon yellow and apple green. He finished mopping up and he smiled at Sasori. 

“Please enjoy your water! I will get you more.” 

“Wait,” said Sasori, eyes flicking to Sai who had just finished making several coffees to takeaway for tired looking businessmen. Sai smiled. 

“Do you like our little article?” 

“No,” said Sasori, looking away to pour even more water in the glass, and this time it overflowed to the point where the water started to drip on the wooden floor. “But I’ll be telling everyone what nice work Inojin has put on display. Good luck trying to wriggle out of that. Now excuse me, I have to go and get my possessions out of my place, which is currently on fire.” 

And that was the last time Sasori ever went to Yamanaka Flowers, so he biked off, leaving Sai and Inojin totally bewildered with his actions. 

 


	4. Deidara blows his own arm off and Hidan thinks it's hilarious and he's also shit at first aid

In one of the worst summers Canberra has ever had, Kakuzu’s Panasonic air conditioner had broken down. Pissed as fuck, he now had to sit on his recliner with three kmart fans around him and every time he put ice cubes in his water they would melt within a minute. 

As part of a bonus package he received for being a Good Scary Bank Manager, he was given an ipad or a tablet or whatever fangled piece of technology it was and he had no idea how to use it. It was a small one, he didn’t know why he was given it and didn’t want it. 

He thought about selling it on eBay when the screen lit up and literally said,  _ hello Kakuzu _ , and so he didn't know what to do next. It meant they’d already registered it under his name which he  _ did not want.  _

He was thinking about giving it to Hidan, but then the idiot would destroy it anyway. Kakuzu had only known him for several months and so far Hidan had already acquired his old phone, fitbit, one shoe and a kmart fan. Hidan, coincidentally, already destroyed these in some way or form. At one point Kakuzu honestly thought he was half deaf, the way he dropped things or ignored pieces of crucial advice Kakuzu gave him before fucking himself or his possessions over. 

***

Kakuzu’s much better and non-cracked phone rang at that point, and Kakuzu noticed Hidan was trying to call him. Kakuzu had learned now that ignoring Hidan’s calls did not work, as he would call and call and call around thirty times until Kakuzu picked up. 

“Can you come over?” Hidan said on the other end. Kakuzu could hear fire engines, and he got up and poked his head out the front door to hear it. He only lived a few minutes away, and could hear a muffled siren. 

“No.” Kakuzu couldn’t see smoke coming from their direction, so he shut the door and was about to hang up when Hidan uncharacteristically pleaded with him. 

“Please.” Saying ‘please’ meant something was serious. There was a shout in the background belonging to Deidara. Deidara wasn’t the type to shout, as he was more of a gloater. 

“HE’S A FUCKING DOCTOR. GET HIS FUCKING ARSE OVER HERE, YEAH?” 

Grabbing his tablet to give to Hidan, he slammed the front door and put his keys in his pocket, leaving Taki inside as it was too hot for dogs to be out on the footpath. 

***

There was blood… everywhere. And burning. First thought was Hidan went berserk and tried to kill his housemate. The red head housemate, which Kakuzu knew of name but had not spoken to, was outside looking bored. 

Hidan took the iPad. “Can I use this?” He gave it to him, before Kakuzu realised where the blood was coming from. A firefighter looked at Deidara, who was lying under the verandah looking extremely battered in a pool of drying blood.

Thinking Hidan was going to use his new fangled tablet to find out how to stop a arm stump on a video, he bent down and took a shirt from a pile of laundry next to Deidara that wasn’t already soaked in blood. Kakuzu didn’t realise before it was too late that Hidan decided to put the tablet on the stump to stop the blood flow and put a t-shirt around it. 

“Might stop it,” Hidan offered as an unwelcoming piece of advice before Deidara shouted in pain again. He started panting, glazed eyes straining at the cobwebbed ceiling of the verandah. “I fucking gave a packet of homebrand ibuprofen, shut up.” 

“Hidan, not everyone has your pain tolerance.” Kakuzu didn’t even have to check his heart rate to know Deidara’s blood pressure was currently going through the roof. 

“Stupid fucking housemate was making clay explosions with a syringe, drano, alfoil and clay,” Hidan said. “But then he put them in his kiln and forgot about it. So now we can’t find his arm, the garden is destroyed…” Hidan glanced at a firefighter putting one more spotfire out. “...Yeah.” 

“When is the ambulance getting here?” Kakuzu asked. 

Hidan frowned. “You’re the ambulance.” 

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows in a rare facial expression. “...No, you need an ambulance to  _ go  _ to hospital,  _ then  _ into surgery.” 

“Don’t have ambulance cover,” Deidara said, breathing deeply and trying to focus on something that wasn’t his missing arm. 

“Would you rather die than spend $900 dollars?” 

“...Yeah.” 

“I can’t help you,” said Kakuzu, pulling out his phone to call triple 000. 

“I’m gonna die,” said Deidara, with a slightly dreamy, but panicky look on his face, putting his head back on the cement. His hair was tangled and singed. “Dying while creating art…” 

“This doesn’t count,” said Sasori, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Sasori got out his lighter, put a durry between Deidara’s dry lips and lighting up. “You need to die  _ being  _ art.” 

Kakuzu cringed as Deidara’s eyes lit up. Obviously, Sasori was trying to distract him while waiting for the ambulance to get here. 

“Where the fuck is your fucking arm?” Hidan shouted as he walked through the ashes of the burnt grass without getting burning himself. Kakuzu could smell the smoldering grass and he realised that Hidan had no shoes on. 

“Get off the grass, you fucking idiot.” 

The ambulance came to pick Deidara up, and whisking him away on a gurney within thirty seconds. However, the ambulance van spent a very long time outside the unit, as they usually do. Sasori washed the blood off with the garden hose, and twenty minutes later, Deidara was gone. Sasori looked at Kakuzu with sleepy eyes and said, “I’m going to bed.” And went inside. Outside the front of the unit, Kakuzu was leaving to go home after an hour of putting up with fire and blood. Hidan was rustling around in the bushes, but stopped when Kakuzu started walking home. 

“I don’t want that tablet back,” said Kakuzu, turning around to say that to Hidan as he forgot about it.  “Just get rid of it if Deidara returns it.” 

Hidan considered it, as it was brand new and he literally did not own anything brand new. “Shit.... I’ll have to soak it in rice first.” 

  
  



	5. Hidan stops a train to give Kakuzu his lunch

On a work trip to Sydney, Kakuzu was glad he was not around for the Halloween weekend at home. To him, it was a pagan American holiday which had seeped onto his country’s shores through capitalism, and a way the sugar industry funded the current obesity crisis. 

Also he refused to spend money on other people. Including Hidan, who for some reason thought of Halloween like it was Christmas and his birthday combined. His reaction to Kakuzu’s statement on Halloween was _Kakuzu was being a racist cunt about a fascinating and historic holiday and needed to get over it_. 

Another reason he was glad to be out of town was Deidara and Sasori had started up a vegetable garden. However, Deidara had planted landmines on the patch so that Hidan would not attempt to destroy it. Several litres of blood had already ended up in there already; which only contributed to fertilising the earth with immortal blood. The carrots and tomatoes were growing beautifully. They had asked Kakuzu to help them with it which he did not want to.

Now Kakuzu was interstate at the moment, he didn’t have to put up with any of this shit for a few days. He was in a hotel, therefore neighbour kids didn’t have to scream at his door, and Hidan did not have to turn up. He already showed off his Halloween costume which was literally… a shadow. 

Black morph suit with black clothes. 

Kakuzu went and ruined them by stabbing him in the eyeball with a pair of scissors when he wouldn’t go away.

 

***

 

Kakuzu woke up early, went down to the hotel gym where a few pathetic machines were dusty from lack of use. Someone was on the treadmill, and Kakuzu was not in any mood to be seen by anyone, so he went back up to have breakfast sent to him. 

Afterwards, he realised he could grab a coffee before going into a meeting, so he decided to leave early. 

The hotel was a ten minute train ride away from the conference room he needed to be at. Kakuzu grudgingly moved people out the way with his glare. He put one hand on the black railing at the top of the train as it went from station to station. Kakuzu checked his Google maps; he needed to get off at the next station.

However there was a loud  _ BANG  _ and the whole carriage shook; everyone around them screamed except for Kakuzu who was used to loud explosions; and calmly kept reading the news on his phone. He only happened to look up because the train slowed down and someone screeched. 

“ _ Someone’s been hit! _ ” 

 

***

  
There was a tap on Kakuzu’s shoulder as soon as everyone was evacuated by railway workers in fluro vests. Most people were too busy crying, filming the train on their phones for the media to sell to, to not notice the bloody appearance of one Hidan, who grinned crazily and held up an Aldi reusable bag. 

“How did you know where I was?” 

“God told me,” said Hidan. Kakuzu rolled his eyes. Stupid Jashin. “Anyway, my stupid fucking husband. Sasori and Deidara wanted me to give you your lunch.” 

Kakuzu looked inside the bag. Three carrots, an unripe tomato, a piece of lettuce with a caterpillar on it all covered in soil. 

“You travelled two hours to give me a bag of dirty vegetables.” 

“Yep.” 

“Well," said Kakuzu, going right up to the bin and putting them in. "You really are a stupid fucking husband, then.” 


End file.
